The Hazards of Technical Support (Humor)
Last Updated: 08 Nov 1999
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Tech Guide
Here's a peek into the thoughts of computer techs
worldwide... an end-user's guide to technical services.
(well maybe NOT!!!)
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and
go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700
network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and trophies.
We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to
catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
importance, delete it at once. We're probably just
testing out the email system.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right
in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to
respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are
always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having
a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason
why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out
all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip
the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for
a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours
before you send an eMail straight to the director
because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled
to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call computer support. We can even fix telephone
problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on
a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no
description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually
mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear
ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand
after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at
least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear
for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries,
send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One
of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science,
feel free to go around and update the network drivers
for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for
the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing
them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a
quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We
function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid
for it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any
new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's
business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff
the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to
have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work,
blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much
better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the
keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?"
click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can.
Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't
know nothing about that computer crap". It never
bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call
tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an
extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a
professional engineer with a Master's degree in
nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer,
ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy
the challenge of having to deal with a third party
who doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to
everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've
got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on
that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down
into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might
get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours
a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store
on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have
him come in on the weekends and do his projects on
your office computer. We'll be there for you when
his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your
Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to
repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently
we need to fix it so your son can get back to
playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have
so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all
we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
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